Sent on March 1st - 1999
Dear Bethany -
I love your website and all of your fiction. You don't say much about
yourself on the site, but I guess I assume you know a lot about this in
real life. Once I started reading more and more on the web, and your stories
in particular, I knew that I had to have this. My problem is: I've showed
your website and a few others to my husband. He seems perfectly willing
to spank me but I always have to ask for it, and then there doesn't seem
to be any emotion or anything. He's just hitting my butt. Then I feel
guilty like I'm forcing him to do something. Finally, the other day, I
was in a bad mood and just started acting out, hoping he would get the
point and realize I wanted a spanking without having to ask for it for
once. When he didn't, unfortunately, my behavior went from just bad to
really bitchy... and we ended up in a big and all too real fight. Do you
have any suggestions?
Thanks,
Susan in Missouri
Dear Susan -
This is a classic question. It's come up over and over on many spanking
boards and discussion groups. This horse hasn't been beaten to death; this
horse is a pulp by now. But, the reason the question gets asked over
and over is because the answer is so difficult.
Susie, bluntly, you are a "spanko" and your husband is not. Over
the years, with many female friends in this interest, we've debated this
many times. Some husbands can be "brought along" to understand
this fetish fairly well and become really good spankers. (Please
see the Discussion
by Marie in our free library
section.) I know Marie personally and know that her husband is a very good
spanker, both physically and psychologically. He "understands"
this even if it isn't something he would have pursued on his own without
Marie's encouragement.
Far too many husbands, though, fall into the two other groups: the ones
who are willing to go through the motions (which we discover all too quickly
can actually be worse than nothing) and the ones who simply won't
participate for whatever reason. Focusing on the first group, let's look
at the positive. Because he didn't totally reject the concept, the foot
is in the door. There must be at least some small acceptance of the activity,
some willingness to please you and this does give you a base to work from.
This puts you ahead of a lot of women. One other female correspondent was
compared by her husband to a mass murderer when she shared this interest!
First, since you are new to this, you need to understand exactly what you
want from this experience. Are you interested in this completely as an erotic
game (doesn't mean, by the way that the spankings can't be plenty serious!)
or do you want "real" discipline as part of a relationship that
involves at least some "power exchange." If you want erotic, do
you want to dress up like a cheerleader while he's the principal? (i.e,
role play)
If you want real discipline, are you
sure you want real discipline? Talk to a few women who have consented
to real discipline, and they will all tell you the same thing: It's a
great idea, but once that lie (or whatever) has been told, and he's got
the strap in his hand, the idea loses a lot (translate: all) of
its charm awfully quickly. And it takes a man with real spanking fortitude
to persist in "correcting" a woman who's started asserting very
matter-of-factly, as she backs into the wall, that she has changed her
mind and you can't do this and don't you dare touch me... To expect a
non-spanko husband not to be completely floored by these sorts of mixed
signals is asking a lot.
Although this introspection might be uncomfortable, because he's not a
spanko he's never going to figure it out on his own. Let me repeat that:
He's never going to figure it out on his own. You will have to
tell him what you want, how you want it, and spell it out. Hopefully,
if you give it to him in a concise, straightforward, honest way instead
of dropping hints which he doesn't get (because he's not into this!) he
will be able to meet you at least part way. In your discussion, return
specifically to your big fight. Make sure that he understands now that
you were signaling him that you wanted a spanking and that it's all right
for him to respond in that way. Depending on how you think he may respond,
you may wish to offer him an implement so he can correct you for this
"bitchy" behavior. He might just still be sore enough about
the fight that he will take you up on the offer.
Don't ever forget that our society conditions
men strongly not to hit. True spanking men manage to get around this,
but for guys who are not into it, this is a huge obstacle to overcome.
Use resources that are available. The article mentioned above with Marie
and her husband is a good one to show him. So is Robin Whittle's Gentlemanly
Art of Spanking the Woman you Love. (Click for more information from
our links page.)
There are also many spanking forums
all over the Internet that have a lot of nice people and good ideas. We
actually host a forum on our sister site, The
Spank Spot, called Secret
Desires. Please check it out.
Good Luck To You Susan!
Bethany
|